Not that I have to, but I realized I never explained why I stopped identifying as non-binary. I talked about it briefly in my Let’s Talk Sex Gender and Femininity blog, and I did plan to make a YouTube video… but I’m honestly not much for talking in front of a camera lol. (content creator scared of a camera? yeah yeah ik hushh)
However, I do feel comfortable typing about this (hehe) and wonder if other people might relate. Also, some people were genuinely curious so I’d love to explain but warning it may not make sense to you and that’s fine. It doesn’t have to.
Journey as Non-binary
Wow! It’s been 3 years since I first announced I was non-binary on Instagram and started going by they/them exclusively.
Basically, I called bullsh*t. And even now, I still think it’s just that. People will say “oh being a woman is being an adult female human” but turn around and call women “men” for having things like big feet, wide shoulders, a deep voice, flat chest, short hair, body hair, certain facial features/structures, muscles, dark skin, tallness and the list goes on and on. If it was just about having a female body, why are they suddenly less of a “woman” when they have those features? The same also happens to men, to a lesser degree. It’s not just about sex and it never was. When I realized that I decided to reject it all and identify as agender, which means no gender.
People always assumed that because I’m female and non-binary that I’m non-binary because I want to be masculine/male-aligning, but it’s never been about that. I just like being a person, not a woman with all these labels and expectations attached. Like, “As a woman you’re sup-” AHT AHT. I’m not a woman anymore ;) … as ridiculous as it sounds, that’s how I felt.
Back to Womanhood
Earlier this year, I started to question my decision to identify as non-binary. The more anti-trans/non-binary legislation and rhetoric I saw, the more I realized I’m never going to be in danger because of my gender expression like they are. The only gender oppression I experience is for being a woman. Even if I don’t like the binary or want to give it value, I’ve always fit in. Even as I referred to myself as non-binary that never meant trans to me, I saw myself as a non-binary cis person. Although non-binary falls under the trans umbrella, that was never my experience.
I’ve always lived my life comfortably as a girl/woman. I’m fine with she/her pronouns and happy with my natural appearance and body. Meanwhile, others feel like they’re suffocating in theirs and cringing whenever they’re referred to with certain pronouns because it goes against their very existence. I don’t have that experience. I just find it absurd that the binary is given so much power and gender nonconforming people face violence because of it. People don’t even need to identify as GNC but if they exist in a way that could be perceived outside of the binary, they’re treated as taboo. But just because I’m outraged and see the flaws in the binary doesn’t mean I should take space in their community. We don’t have the same struggles and while not every trans or non-binary person has to struggle to be valid, I just don’t live life as a trans person and never have.
So… How Do You Identify?
I identify as a woman, and this might sound contradictory toward the entire post, but I’m still non-binary. I just don’t outwardly identify that way because I happily live life as a woman in society. Even though I don’t see the value in gender and honestly prefer the idea of being agender, I don’t believe it’s my place to stand in the trans/non-binary community. I know how I feel in my heart, my body is merely a vessel for my soul, but this no longer influences my concept of gender as it did before. Now, my gender is solely reflective of my experience, and less over my qualms regarding the binary. Simply put, I navigate this world in a female body and talking about my experience as a woman will always be real and something I’m okay with referring to myself as. I’ll continue to speak to that while simultaneously denouncing any expectations or stereotypes placed on my body.
I use both she/her and they/them pronouns, just as a woman. I think gender is supposed to be a personal thing we all define for ourselves and refrain from pushing our ideology onto others. We’re complex beings and it’s completely normal for people to exist outside of the traditional binary. The world is a lot more beautiful that way.
Thank you so much for this. This is EXACTLY how i feel and I’ve been feeling like a fraud for so long trying to figure out my own gender and why I didn’t feel fully compatible with being nonbinary. You have made me feel seen and put into words what I’ve frustratingly could not for month. Thank you again so much.
I relate to this is in many ways except I’m still genderqueer. I come to realization that the very best way to describe myself (for other people) is: genderqueer Black woman. Internally I want/have nothing to do with gender whatsoever (the a/genderqueer part) but I am aware of how I experience the world and how I am perceived physically by the world 9/10% (Blk woman). I don’t like/use femininity and masculinity as concept, but I some use it to describe things. I just want to exist without someone always having expect me to behave/dress certain ways based on my body. Anyways, I am happy for you on your journey.
I’ve had the same experience detaching myself from womanhood, despite never feeling weird about being referred to as one and even referring to myself as one. I never identified as non-binary, for I felt it was unfair because I still leaned into womanhood. But I did go by she/they pronouns(still do) and personally just identified as a femme. I identified more with my lesbianism than my womanhood(again, still do).
I felt like I didn’t fit in to what a woman should be. I’m dark-skinned(South Sudanese like yourself), plus-sized, a lesbian… Those all contradicted the sole idea of a woman. No one would picture me when they thought of a girl. I felt like I could only identify with the struggles of womanhood but completely ignored the community I felt within it. I rejected that part of myself because I didn’t feel woman enough.
But then I started thinking. “Do I look at other plus-sized/darkskinned/lesbian people who identify as women and see them as less than one?” No. And although I’m hyper feminine, I even asked myself if I thought masculine women were less of a woman for how they presented. The answer – yet again – was no.
I came to realize I was only looking at womanhood from a westernized viewpoint. There are so many things that make a woman beautiful in so many different places. Being a lesbian myself, I know that for a fact because I’m attracted to the many different forms people come in.
But even after I became aware of all this, and called myself a girl, and liked it when people treated me/referred to me as one, I still couldn’t solely go back to she/her pronouns. Because I believe that I would still exist as I am without womanhood. Even if I am a woman, I am still gender non-conforming. I never again am I molding myself into the shape of a box woman are supposed to squeeze themselves into. I’m not going to shrink myself just so I’m deemed more of a woman. It’s that suffocation that pushed me away from womanhood in the first place. I’m aware that there will be people entitled to making me fit that box. Granted, I am afab and present very femininely, so my experience will be much easier compared to others whose gender/gender expression challenges the binary. I’m very privileged to have so freely explored my gender and come out unscathed.
Anyway, I loved this!! Thank you for sharing <3
this resonates!! thank you so much for sharing this!
This is everything. Needs to be shared with the world
First and foremost, this is a beautiful blog and never did i think i would be reading a blog at 18 but i love it. The website is so aesthetically pleasing and just a breath a fresh air to look at. Second, your words were beautiful and the way you expressed yourself is something I wish I could do more.
I’m confused.