On my last blog I received quite a few comments and DMs from people who said they’re struggling with their femininity, “like me”– except I don’t struggle with that. My beauty transformation had to do with me accepting my natural self which I don’t attach any labels to. Femininity and masculinity aren’t real to me, they don’t hold any weight or significance. In my eyes, they’re merely subjective opinions rather than objective facts. How can I take it seriously? I previously identified as non-binary because of this, I don’t anymore, but I think my view on gender makes my experience a lot different than other Black women.
I remember speaking to this girl and she asked me, “are you feminine?” and I answered no. The femininity she was referring to was cooking, cleaning, serving, essentially being a “good” African daughter. I clean after myself and cook at a beginner level (give me some time hehe) but I just find it interesting that basic life skills are somehow linked to femininity. I am feminine in the sense that I’m female, that’s it. Womanhood for me is simply being female, not my looks, hobbies, interests, and certainly not what I can do for a man. These gendered concepts are so unserious, I mean who decides what’s feminine or masculine? One may say me playing Call Of Duty or video games like it is “masculine”, while I think it’s just… nothing. Why is there this binary need to give ownership to things?
“It’s either masculine or feminine”
…
Or maybe it’s just chill?
But seriously, I don’t think we should give so much importance to these words and let it affect our self-esteem. You are not more or less of a woman because of XYZ, you are a woman and that’s that. (Or whatever other gender you identify with) I think the girls who grew up being called a “tom boy” can relate to me when I say I stopped taking gender seriously a long time ago. I hated being told that the things I liked to do were for boys, as if they get to have all the fun? I’ve accepted that a lot of people truly believe in these concepts, but I don’t have to live by them. I am a woman, but I don’t care to perform or prove myself to anyone. I don’t feel the need to look or act a certain way, I simply exist and don’t really think about those things. I also don’t reject traditionally feminine things either. I just like what I like, not caring to attach any labels.
Still, I admit I do have a view on what’s feminine and that looks a lot like my mom and aunties. The modest long skirts and dresses, beautiful headwraps and covers, stunning jewelry, and always with some flats on LOL. I don’t think anything is wrong with these words, but people tend to go overboard. Everyone has their own views on gender and femininity but instead of realizing that their idea isn’t “correct” but simply their own, they try to shame others for not meeting their standards. BOO! *throwing tomatoes*
SO… I’d like to hear more thoughts and understand how some of you feel about gender. Do you think about your gender a lot? Are you insecure about it? Do you label yourself feminine or masculine, or remain neutral and indifferent? What is womanhood to you? Does your sexuality tie in, if so, how? If you do have an idea of femininity, does it mirror the women in your life? (sisters, mothers, aunties, etc.)
I’m just curious, feel free to answer if you’re comfortable.
expanding a bit on no longer being non-binary: around two years ago i started questioning gender, the binary, the rules, and why people were met with such backlash when they went against them. there was so much hypocrisy and things that didn’t add up that I just disconnected from it all together and identified as non-binary. but now I realize that my disagreement with the rules doesn’t mean I have to disengage. and I don’t feel inclined to identify as non-binary because I never related to the community in terms of struggle. I never dealt with body dysmorphia or felt triggered when referred to as a woman or she/her. I kept telling myself that every non-binary experience is different, but the truth is I never stopped being a woman, I just didn’t agree with the binary. I always identified with the female experience, even after identifying as non-binary I identified as cis, not trans. My experience being non-binary didn’t have anything to do with my body, but my beliefs. I see now that I can be a woman and have the same beliefs, so that’s why I don’t identify as non-binary anymore and am back to using she/her pronouns. However, I still like they/them pronouns, they’re so neutral and reassuring with my beliefs on the soul. So yeah. I hope some of that made sense but if it didn’t that’s fine.
This is interesting, because this is how I came to identify as nonbinary and I question sometimes wether I really am or if i just didn’t want to be tied to the binary and things that are considered “female” I sometimes toy with the idea that maybe I am faking being non-binary but ultimately I can’t imagine going back to just being referred to as she/her there’s something affirming to present the way I do nd still be acknowledged as being outside the binary, im glad to hear your journey with gender though, it is very beautiful
i understand :] and thank you. i used to feel like my gender was based on my beliefs but now i believe it’s just my body. being a woman explains my experience and non-binary explains my mind… but i don’t think that thinking outside of the binary necessarily means i’m non-binary, especially since most people don’t really believe those things.. i’m guessing and hoping lol. thanks for commenting!
Growing up I didn’t think about femininity and what that meant for me. I never had to. But now I see that it means something to the world. I’m still figuring that out for myself but I prefer to see myself as a person before I am a woman or any thing that is predefined.
same. at the end of the day we’re all just people with different body types. male female intersex, it doesn’t define who we are and it shouldn’t stop us from expressing ourselves and doing what we love. :]
honestly, i never really considered the gender binary until i saw things online. to me people were always who they say they were. sometimes people look different than what i usually know but i still accept them as they are because who am i to say they’re not ? as for myself, while i like to use she and he pronouns, it’s simply because they feel right…however i only tend to use he online because i’m too nervous to use it irl, i hope i get to a place where i can use it in my real life
thank you for sharing and I hope you get to that place too!
i think that as of recent ive started to understand that femininity as an overarching concept that defines my humanity is a whole load of bs. i previously used to subscribe to the ‘feminine energy’ that was targeted towards black women because i thought that if i was perceived as more feminine and docile and alll the things i as a femme person should be id get treated better, id get more male attention etc. once i clocked it was all nonsense and there HAD to be more to my person than simply being feminine; i learn more about gender and gender policing nd related topics from a feminist lens. i think rn i dont even consider myself to be tied to my gender, like im a girl but it doesnt mean anything to me. i dont think im non binary either nor do i think im genderfluid or anything else. i think i just am. ive been experimenting with makeup and my natural hair and doing more feminine coded things & thats been fun, but yet its not as though im bound to being a girl. anyways, loved the blog post :)
yes to “I just am”! i use woman and girl to describe my experiences and struggles but it doesn’t have any other purpose than that. thank you for sharing and thank you for the compliment :] <33
I mainly think about my gender when it is a topic of conversation or if it comes up in conversation, like if someone makes a generalization about boys or girls, but I also think the gender binary is arbitrary and just dumb. I think about it when I get catcalled, or hit on by men. I’m not insecure about it in the slightest, I have always loved femininity and the things attached to it (for the most part, the cooking is also not my gig) but I do sometimes want to escape being perceived as a woman, I just hate the way we get treated sometimes. I consider myself more feminine, I like dresses and skirts and makeup and jewelry and all the fun little accessories, but I have days where I want to feel more masculine. I also like baggy clothes and things that hide my frame, but I usually lean towards showing more skin, which is definitely how the girls at my high school dressed, but also how the celebrities I have crushes on dress. The woman in my family dress quite modestly and honestly quite boring lmao, but I do act like them a lot! They’re all their authentic selves, so I think that is probably where my idea of womanhood comes from. My sexuality definitely ties into this, I consider myself bi although technically I am pan, mainly because I realized in high school that I don’t want to look basic or like everyone else, I want to look better than everyone else and wear clothes that nobody else would. Womanhood to me is being perceived as a woman, because that’s the one commonality I think we all share (of course intersectionality makes this more complex) and that, to me, is really the only thing that makes me a woman. There is also the experience of growing up being perceived as a woman which that looks different for everyone, but also contributes to my personal feelings about my womanhood. I really enjoyed reading about your experience with your identity and love reading your blog!
My concept of what femininity is was heavily influenced by the women in my life and specifically hair. As a black girl I only ever saw my mother, aunties and grandma in wigs and my hair was always put into braids with synthetic braiding hair, probably since the age of 5. The only women in my family I saw embrace their natural hair were the mixed race ones with looser curls.
As I’ve gotten to a point where I’m more aware of these biases, I did ask my mother why she always used braiding hair on me and she said it would make the style last longer for school (so convenience I guess). But if I were to stay at a family member’s over the summer it would be “we need to do your hair otherwise they’ll be talking about how I don’t keep your hair tidy/look after you well”. But why would my natural hair mean I’m not taken care of? It reminds of the controversy about Blue Ivy’s hair when she was younger.
Even the process of getting my hair done was majority of the time not enjoyable as a child; sitting in one place for hours on end and the pain of detangling and parting each section. I even remember being told off if I’d wince from the pain.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t still wear braids most of the time, but I’m glad that I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t feel any less feminine when I’m washing my hair and it’s shrunken, and that I can tie it in a puff and leave the house to meet up with friends rather than panicking and not allowing myself to step outside my door because my hair “isn’t done”. I’m taking my comfortability step by step and hope to reach a similar place with my hair that you are Yar.
I don’t blame my mother for the way she’s been because I recognise this sort of thing is deep rooted and a generational trauma (some may say I’m dramatic but the history of black women’s hair being policed is traumatic). I only wish she had unlearnt that so as to not pass it onto her daughter (me).
But I’m on my own journey now and If I have any children in the future, I will be fully conscious of the language I use when discussing hair and be the representation I wish I had growing up.
Ultimately, I’m unlearning that mindset for myself cuz I’ll damned if I ever catch myself thinking “how can I be in a relationship when they’ll eventually see me taking out my braids and think I’m ugly” (crazy mindset I used to have).
Hair is never that serious for it to consume your life in these ways, it is only one aspect of us not our whole identity and certainly not a determining factor of femininity.