A Beginner’s Guide to Loving Your Natural Hair

When you’ve always been made to feel inferior or inadequate because of your natural hair, loving it can be hard. But not impossible, especially with these tips. I’ve come up with 5 things I’ve done (most unintentionally) that have transformed the relationship I have with my hair for the better.

1. Surround yourself with people who help you feel comfortable and proud of your natural hair

People tend to see the best in everyone but themselves, that’s why you always hear some variation of “why does [insert insecurity] look good on them but not on me?” … Well, the answer is quite simple: it does look good on you, you’re just too hard on yourself to see it. That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with people who have the insecurities you struggle with because overtime you’ll begin to see the beauty in yourself. You can do this by befriending them, following them, or even admiring from afar.. (in a non-creepy way)! I’ve lived in the suburbs my whole life so being surrounded by people who look like me wasn’t really in option, but through social media I found community with so many different types of Black women. They’ve helped me feel secure in myself in so many ways which I’m thankful for, and they didn’t have to do much, just simply exist.

And this goes without saying, remove yourself from people who make you feel bad about your hair, that includes friends, lovers, family, anybody! Make it clear how they make you feel and if their behavior doesn’t change then remove them from your life or at least distance yourself. They don’t deserve you.

2. Learn how to properly care for your hair and treat wash day like a self-care day (because it is!)

When you don’t know the proper shampoo and detangle techniques, wash day can feel like a chore, a nightmare even. But when you learn the right techniques and develop a consistent routine, wash day will become a breeze. I wash my hair weekly and look forward to it! Natural hair isn’t inherently hard or complicated, we’ve just been led to feel that way. There are lots of tutorials on TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram that can help you learn how to care for your natural hair, including my own.

People have asked me how I have such patience and love towards my hair and while the question feels kind of offensive, a lot of people with hair like mine tend to adapt a negative attitude towards it due to their upbringing, surrounding, and lack of positive representation. I’m someone who naturally has a high amount of self-respect, value, and love for myself. I couldn’t tell you how or why, honestly my only explanation is astrology (sorry if u hate it LOL) but seriously it’s just how I’ve always been. Despite struggling with insecurities, I’ve never let that determine how I treat myself. My self-worth is not dependent on anyone’s validation, and I will always treat myself like the princess I am. Remember to always be gentle and loving with yourself because you DO deserve it, and you don’t need to do anything in order to be deserving of it.

3. Reframe your understanding of beauty and practice neutrality in how you perceive yourself and others

What is beauty? A fact? An opinion? I think beauty is simply a belief. Things aren’t inherently beautiful they’re just believed to be, and that belief is often reflective of our society, upbringing, and tolerance. Despite what you may believe you can love whatever it is you hate about yourself. Beauty is not final, beauty is ever-changing. Things we loved back then we cringe at now because once again; things aren’t inherently beautiful, they’re just believed to be. Depending on the time or place, what’s beautiful could be drastically different from what we believe now. I find many different types of people attractive, and I always have, which I think contributes to the fact that I’ve always liked how I looked and felt beautiful regardless of if other people believed it. The fact that I believed it was enough for me because why would I place their opinion above my own? People let others decide what is ugly and what is beautiful and that’s not reliable or sustainable. I personally don’t think any person or feature is ugly because what does ugly mean? When people refer to something as ugly they usually mean different, something they’re not used to. But if they grew up in a society that was uplifting or even neutral toward that feature they’d think otherwise. People often underestimate how much society and media exposure has influenced their perceptions and beliefs which is why you can’t be dependent on others. You need to have your own view on beauty and better yet a neutral one. Understand, we were not put on this earth to be beautiful, that doesn’t make sense. We look how we’re supposed to and that’s that. We’re all on this floating rock following rules we didn’t make, try breaking some of those rules and choose to do the most rebellious thing of all: love yourself unconditionally.

4. Allow yourself to be perceived with your natural hair

I know that might sound scary, but you have to do that in order to overcome this insecurity. Taking the steps of identifying your insecurities and unlearning the beauty standard is great, but you need to live breathe and walk through this world in your natural hair to feel any real change. I remember the first time I wore my natural hair (no perm!) in public, I didn’t even plan to but I just asked myself why I was wearing a bonnet… was I ashamed of my natural hair? I thought about the “Tignon Laws” and how Black women were forced to cover their hair and here I was doing it when I didn’t have to. Truthfully, the bonnet wasn’t protecting anything but my fear of being perceived. Once the reality of it hit me, I took off my bonnet and never wore it outside my house again. While I was scared of what people might think of my hair, I couldn’t let that control how I show up in the world. A lot of us are hesitant to wear our natural hair because we fear being judged and perceived. We’ve been so used to hiding our hair in braids, wigs, perms, that when it comes to wearing our natural hair it can feel terrifying. The only way to feel more confident in your natural hair is to stop hiding it. After the first day of wearing my natural hair in public, I continued and then a week passed, then a month, and now a year has passed and I’m more secure in myself and happier than ever. If I never had the courage to do that, my life would look a lot different. Find the strength and courage to show up in this world authentically, because being scared of new things and experiences is normal but don’t let that fear control you and stop you from doing what your heart desires. Not only does this apply to natural hair, but life period.

Back in January I auditioned to model in a fashion show, and I was extremely nervous. There were hundreds of others auditioning and people in the crowds watching as everyone walked. When it was my turn, I felt the whole world turn upside down and fear took over my entire body. I froze and was ready to run away but then I decided I wasn’t going to let fear get the best of me and got on stage and walked. Did I get into the show? No, but at least I tried. A week later I auditioned for another fashion show, and I was jumping for joy when I received confirmation that I would be walking in the show. If I never had the courage to try, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity. You have to take control of your life and not let fear stop you from doing what your heart desires.

5. Make it a habit to speak positively about yourself and practice daily affirmations

Your thoughts and words heavily impact your self-esteem, even if you may be joking. Do you ever ask yourself why you/your features are the butt of every joke? The next time you think of making a “joke” about yourself, remember that they’re laughing at you, not with you. Avoid speaking badly about yourself, especially in front of others. Instead, only speak positively or neutrally about yourself. I’m never hard on myself for making mistakes or looking a certain way, I choose to give myself grace and remind myself that I’m learning and growing each day and my appearance doesn’t determine my worth. I’m extremely loving to myself this way.

Daily affirmations are one of my favorite things to do, especially after a yoga session. Speaking aloud, state positive phrases about yourself, or in this case, your natural hair. Bonus points if you look yourself in the mirror while doing affirmations. You can also write them down.

Natural hair affirmations

1. My natural hair is beautiful.
2. I accept my natural hair exactly as it is.
3. I love the texture, volume, and length of my natural hair.
4. I honor my natural hair by treating it with love, care, and respect.
5. My natural hair is a source of joy, confidence, and self-love.
6. My natural hair compliments my style and elevates my overall appearance.
7. I am grateful for my natural hair and the way it makes me feel.
8. I choose to embrace and celebrate my natural hair every day.
9. My natural hair is a journey that I am proud to embark on.
10. I am proud to wear my natural hair.

Practicing these affirmations daily, or even a couple times a week, can be extremely helpful.

ALWAYS GIVE YOURSELF GRACE

Self-love and confidence are not achieved overnight; it’s a gradual process. Don’t be hard on yourself for struggling with insecurities that have most likely been ingrained in you since childhood. You’re sure to see change by implementing these tips but there is a lot of healing and unlearning to do which takes time. Give yourself grace, be patient and loving.